Category: God-moments

A Shorter Life

by ianspirationblog, posted in cancer, eternity, God-moments, grief, heaven, Hope, IANspiration, loss of child

Happy (Heavenly) Birthday, Ian

Today, Ian would be celebrating his 28th Birthday! We can only wonder what he’d have up his sleeve! It would be a day full of adventure, for sure. Perhaps a dawn patrol surf session, followed by a slide down Tantalus, dinner with his best girl and time with the family.

He’s been gone for nearly five years. Even as the years pass, the “missing” is still daily for us. Sorrow is still smoldering in the deep recesses of our souls, just as Ground Zero did for an inexplicably long time. The hardest hurdle for me to clear after losing Ian was accepting that his life was so short. Why was he taken in the prime of his life? 

A few months ago, I ran across this quotation: “If I had more time, I would have written a shorter letter.”  The quote is attributed to French physicist and philosopher Blaise Pascal, but similar quotes have been made by other great thinkers and writers, including the likes of Benjamin Franklin, Mark Twain, and Henry David Thoreau.

This simple saying acknowledges what all serious writers know; it is much harder to produce a quality, short piece of writing. After all, it’s easy to ramble and simply get your thoughts down on paper. It’s much harder to prune away unnecessary words and replace it with succinct and focused ones that tell the reader exactly what you mean.

It can be a painful process to cut back and edit copy, but the result is worth the time. As the creator of a piece of writing, there is a great sense of pride when you find the perfect words, achieve those flawless transitions and hit just the right tone – with brevity.

Somehow, I had never heard that simple saying. It resonated with me deeply. “How true!” I thought, as it related to writing. Then, as often happens, my mind went straight to Ian. Perhaps God has a similar motto? Could a shorter life be a higher quality life?  Did God prune away all that was unnecessary and jam pack his short life with all that was needed?

We know that a longer life would have been better for all of US left behind, but would it have been better in the eyes of the creator? Ian’s short life was filled with goodness. His life hit the right tone on most days. His words were usually kind and loving. He was always inclusive and thoughtful. Ian’s life was not perfect. He experienced the pain of the creator’s pruning along the way.

But in the end, perhaps God looked at Ian’s brief life with a great sense of pride…

So short. So sweet. A quality life composed flawlessly by the master.

In a few short years, God gave us an example of how to love and live well.

As we each continue to ramble around on our own life journey, Ian reminds us that life is short … and a truly quality life doesn’t require anything more.

#LiveLikeIan #HappyHeavenlyBirthday

For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away. James 4:14 NKJ

No Questions Asked

by ianspirationblog, posted in eternity, God-moments, grief, heaven, Hope, IANspiration, loss of child, Uncategorized

No questions asked,
I’d trade places with you,
I’d give you more time,
you’d see this life through.

I’d take all the pain,
and the suffering too,
I begged every day,
please God, don’t take you.

Unanswered prayers,
dreams seem to die,
My world without you,
I wondered — who am I?

I gaze into heaven,
Stars beyond what we see,
Envision your new life,
Do you watch over me?

Continue reading “No Questions Asked” →

The Signature

by ianspirationblog, posted in cancer, God-moments, heaven, Hope, IANspiration, love, peace, Uncategorized

There I sat wiping away tears in a crowded restaurant – again.

I gazed down onto the three letters I – A – N … strung together in a manner so that I could pick it out in a line-up of a hundred other “Ian” signatures.  It was his actual signature cast perfectly into a delicate silver ring. The signature looked exactly how I had seen it so very many times before when he signed his name to an important letter, note, and later in life, on a sales contract.

The ring featured the “neat” version, not the signature he used when signing a check or on one of those ridiculous credit card machines. In those cases, you’d only see the “I” and the rest was barely more than a straight line. I remember that I chuckled the first time I saw it. I think he was in middle school and I asked him if he thought he was a doctor or a rock star. Actually, I love that he learned to use the sloppy signature at such a young age, as if he intuitively understood that sometimes it mattered and other times it simply did not. Sometimes you steal away a few seconds to keep for yourself – because seconds add up to minutes, minutes add up to days.

We know — all too well — that every single second matters…

Continue reading “The Signature” →

There was Patience, There was Peace

by ianspirationblog, posted in cancer, God-moments, heaven, Hope, IANspiration, love, peace

Ian stared up at the ceiling from the bed at the naturopathic treatment center, unable to move any part of his body below the neck. For most of the 10 days we spent there, he was getting intravenous high dose Vitamin C and a host of last-chance protocols commonly used in European countries to fight cancer. During this time, Ian’s mind was relatively strong. Except for the last few days his life, he was aware of his rapid decline.

I often wondered what was going through his mind.

This was new for me. I had always known exactly what was going on his mind — Ian could talk and he loved to share! He easily filled up an entire 30-minute drive home from school with colorful stories of the day’s adventures. Things didn’t change much when he started his new job straight out of college. I knew about the potential clients, the presentations, the contracts that closed and the ones that did not. He texted me often and kept me posted on just about everything.

But, here I am, 22 months since our beloved son’s passing to Heaven, and I’m left still wondering what was he thinking in his final days on earth? Was he devastated? Was he still hopeful? Did he ever resign to his soon departure? If he did, he never shared that with me. He chose not to talk about the end.

One thing I know is that through his entire 8-month battle with cancer, he never uttered one word of victimized complaint to me. I never heard him ask, “Why me?”

Not once.

Continue reading “There was Patience, There was Peace” →

His Power

by ianspirationblog, posted in God-moments, grief, Hope, IANspiration, loss of child, love, trust

I thought I knew you,  Lord,

close as could be.

Time spent together,

you held the key.

Promises made,

and promises kept.

Into the future,

walking, lockstep.

Then he was sick,

then he was gone.

Prayers unanswered,

no way to live on.

I  thought I knew you, God. 

ruined in the wake.

Disappointed, let down,

crushing heartbreak.

Continue reading “His Power” →

The Hedge

by ianspirationblog, posted in cancer, God-moments, grief, Hope, IANspiration, loss of child, love

I feared the hedge would die.

One day, in the middle of the chaos, I dared to dream that the hedge would make it.

I imagined how we would later tell the story of the dying hedge in our front yard as a metaphor of how you faced down your near-death experience with cancer, but you came back with vigor to live out the rest of your days with renewed focus and perspective.

We would explain how the dry branches appeared beyond resuscitation. It was that pesky, destructive white fly that snuck in under the radar and spread relentlessly beneath the abundant beautiful green leaves and orange hibiscus blossoms. Continue reading “The Hedge” →

#18 Months

by ianspirationblog, posted in cancer, God-moments, heaven, Hope, IANspiration, loss of child, love

Is it strange that I count the months you’ve been gone in the same way that parents count the months of an infant child’s life? Each month, as time slips by, I can’t believe we’ve made it this far without you here.

Yet, if the pattern holds true, I’ll stop counting the months soon. Just a few more months and we will likely start referencing your absence in years — should anyone ask how long it’s been.

No matter how or if I express the breadth of your absence on any given day, I always know exactly how long it’s been …

because losing a child is nothing like having a child.

To watch your child grow is the ultimate privilege. Fully in awe of the miracle, you instinctively know that he or she is a gift and you celebrate the milestones, month by month, and then year after year.

When there is life, this formula is sustainable. It propels you forward.

When there is death, this formula is difficult to sustain.

For 18 months, I have quite literally been walking with my head turned in the opposite direction … looking backwards.

If I continue this formula, I fear it will sink me.

So, where do I go from here?

Continue reading “#18 Months” →

Of Butterflies, Black Moths and Angels

by ianspirationblog, posted in God-moments, grief, heaven, Hope, IANspiration, loss of child, love

I sat with Joy on the back patio on a sunny afternoon in May 2017 as we talked endlessly about our sons. Her son, Kekoa, passed over to heaven in July, while our son Ian passed in October.

We had met each other only weeks prior at Griefshare, a grief support group we attended at a nearby church. Joy is a deeply spiritual woman with a solid footing in her faith. We grieved together with hope, knowing that our sons are now among the Lord’s saints in heaven.

Nonetheless … there were tears and pain.

When two butterflies suddenly started to dance on and around our hedges that afternoon, we chuckled about it. It was tempting to say these two dancing butterflies were our sons visiting us, but we knew better than that. Our children did not turn into butterflies, black moths or angels. They are still the magnificent souls they were here on earth but in a new and improved physical state in heaven.

Yet, as these two butterflies brought smiles to our faces long into the afternoon, Joy suddenly asked, “Do you see two butterflies hanging around like this very often?”

“Not really,” I replied.

We stared at those butterflies in silence for a bit of time, and then we laughed.

It felt good to laugh.

Something felt very special about those butterflies.

Continue reading “Of Butterflies, Black Moths and Angels” →

A Smile to Remember

by ianspirationblog, posted in cancer, God-moments, grief, heaven, IANspiration, loss of child, love

The hospital bed in the middle of our living room was surrounded by sofas that served as seating for those who came to say goodbye. Hospice workers came and went, addressing Ian’s “comfort” needs that changed drastically with each passing day.

Pastor Glenn arrived on Monday to pray with us, again. This time, he gently told Ian that while we continue to pray for a miracle, it was time to consider that God was preparing a place for him.

But Ian was not ready…

Even Jesus asked God to “let this cup pass from me” before going to the cross.

Pastor Glenn later reassured us that even if Ian wasn’t ready to leave, God had him – his child – by the hand and would not let go.

Six days after returning home from our Hail Mary attempt at the naturopathic treatment center, the good Lord dispatched his Angels for our precious Ian.

Continue reading “A Smile to Remember” →

A Glimpse of Heaven

by ianspirationblog, posted in cancer, God-moments, heaven, Hope, IANspiration, love

“Ma, can you show me around?” Ian asked as daybreak arrived.

Grimacing in pain, Ian slowly sat up in bed. I pushed the wheelchair as close as I could to the large king-sized bed. Taking hold of him under booth arms, I moved him onto the wheelchair. I then pushed him very carefully over the sliding-door track so as not to put any more pressure onto his aching neck.

We exited the room onto the grounds of the naturopathic treatment center where we were scheduled to stay for the next 14 days. I wheeled him through the property that featured lush trees, hammocks and a mostly empty lava pond. He soaked in the beauty for about five minutes but suddenly said, “Let’s go back.”

I knew the pain and pressure on his spine had caught up with him. I rushed him back into the room. As I transferred him back into bed, he sweetly thanked me for taking him outside. “I just wanted to be sure I wasn’t going to be stuck in this bed forever,” he added with a small smile.

The very hard truth is that Ian would not leave that bed again under his own power, as paralysis continued to take over.

When we arrived at the treatment center the day before, Ian was too exhausted from the plane ride over to notice the beautiful surroundings. As soon as we arrived, he was placed into a large, quaint room with ample space for us to stay by his side.

My heart surged with hope for the first time in weeks. We made it to the Big Island. The center was beautiful and very unlike the harsh hospitals Ian had come to know all too well that year.

Continue reading “A Glimpse of Heaven” →