Category: love

Today, you’d be 27

by ianspirationblog, posted in eternity, grief, heaven, IANspiration, loss of child, love, peace

Happy Heavenly Birthday, Ian Coronas. We haven’t forgotten you. Not one tiny bit…

WATCH: Ian Coronas’ Celebration of Life Video

You’ve been gone for several years now. I often wonder what you’d be up to today, if only…

What would be added to this video of your brief life?

Wedding photos?

Baby pics?

Sales awards?

New hobbies?

New adventures?

New home?

One thing I know, you’d be the one keeping things “light” during this pandemic. You’d also be the one sneaking out during the stay-at-home orders … I mean there’s just no way.

But you’d always wear your mask to keep others safe — a mask that would probably have something fun printed on it. Starwars maybe? To match your socks.

You’d be supportive of any oppressed group, but you’d also be very puzzled by the violence that’s erupted around the country. You were always inclusive, always the peacemaker.

Despite the state of the world’s current affairs, you’d be optimistic about the future.

I can imagine you walking in the door, flashing your smile, and saying just the right thing to make the world somehow feel balanced again.

On this, your 27th birthday, I can remember you … and I can imagine who you would be.

I’m thankful for that much.

Please enjoy watching Ian’s Celebration of Life video above . Today, let’s remember all the good times.

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“I always thank my God for you because of his grace given you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Corinthians 1:4

August 29, 2016, 23rd Birthday (his last one here)

Burntlip Smile

by ianspirationblog, posted in cancer, grief, heaven, IANspiration, love

I was worried about it, as any mom would be.  I even kept a measurement of it, so that I could know firsthand if it was growing. It was as easy to miss as it was hard to miss. Splashed on his bottom lip was what looked like a dark ink blob that simply became part of the beautiful landscape of our son Ian‘s face.

No, it wasn’t bestowed as a beauty mark from birth.  This doozy came to Ian after the world’s worst case of chapped lips.  He was probably in middle school and was just beginning to discover his extreme love of the ocean. After a long weekend of fun in the sun, Ian developed miserable dry, cracking chapped lips that hurt like heck and made it hard to smile.

For some random reason, once his lip healed and natural moisture returned, a permanent dark splotch remained as a reminder of the painful incident.

Continue reading “Burntlip Smile” →

Life under the Rainbow

by ianspirationblog, posted in grief, heaven, Hope, IANspiration, loss of child, love, trust, Uncategorized

In a study of Genesis, I listened to a pastor taking about rainbows. He spoke about the scientific definition of the rainbow: A beautiful multicolored arch in the sky caused by the reflection and refraction of the rays of the sun shining on falling rain.

Then, of course, he spoke of the biblical significance: The rainbow as a token of the covenant which God made with Noah when he came out of the ark that the waters should no more become a flood to destroy all of humanity.

The rainbow in the sky is the “sun in the storm” AND the “son in the storm.” The son, my Lord and savior.

Today, more than two years since Ian left us after an eight-month battle with cancer, I live my life under the Rainbow.

The storm, I fear, will never completely blow over.

There will always be clouds in my sky; the unrelenting soul-crushing missing that happens when you lose your child.

But, now and then, when the conditions are just right, the sun shines into my clouds and creates surprising beauty.

At first, it is faint … just a light hue of color as I gaze onto the faces of those I love and a glimmer of hope falls over me. Yet, slowly but surely, over time, I find myself in moments of vibrant colors. I am surprised to find that my smile is real, my laugh is deep and a sense of happiness feels true.

But there is no weather forecast on this journey.

Today, it may rain, the sun may come out, or — on the best of days — the rain and the sun may interact to create a rainbow over me.

Those days have tears and pain brought on by bittersweet memories. And, they have hope and love brought on by — those very same memories.

We walk in faith, looking forward to a day of reunion with Ian and all our loved ones who already call Heaven, home. I thank the Lord for his faithfulness to walk with me through this storm and for the rainbows that cover me.

rainbowcrop
A rainbow that formed at one of Ian’s favorite surf spots, Ehukai Beach on the North Shore of Oahu. It appeared to me and Lorna as we sat chatting about our boys.

The Signature

by ianspirationblog, posted in cancer, God-moments, heaven, Hope, IANspiration, love, peace, Uncategorized

There I sat wiping away tears in a crowded restaurant – again.

I gazed down onto the three letters I – A – N … strung together in a manner so that I could pick it out in a line-up of a hundred other “Ian” signatures.  It was his actual signature cast perfectly into a delicate silver ring. The signature looked exactly how I had seen it so very many times before when he signed his name to an important letter, note, and later in life, on a sales contract.

The ring featured the “neat” version, not the signature he used when signing a check or on one of those ridiculous credit card machines. In those cases, you’d only see the “I” and the rest was barely more than a straight line. I remember that I chuckled the first time I saw it. I think he was in middle school and I asked him if he thought he was a doctor or a rock star. Actually, I love that he learned to use the sloppy signature at such a young age, as if he intuitively understood that sometimes it mattered and other times it simply did not. Sometimes you steal away a few seconds to keep for yourself – because seconds add up to minutes, minutes add up to days.

We know — all too well — that every single second matters…

Continue reading “The Signature” →

There was Patience, There was Peace

by ianspirationblog, posted in cancer, God-moments, heaven, Hope, IANspiration, love, peace

Ian stared up at the ceiling from the bed at the naturopathic treatment center, unable to move any part of his body below the neck. For most of the 10 days we spent there, he was getting intravenous high dose Vitamin C and a host of last-chance protocols commonly used in European countries to fight cancer. During this time, Ian’s mind was relatively strong. Except for the last few days his life, he was aware of his rapid decline.

I often wondered what was going through his mind.

This was new for me. I had always known exactly what was going on his mind — Ian could talk and he loved to share! He easily filled up an entire 30-minute drive home from school with colorful stories of the day’s adventures. Things didn’t change much when he started his new job straight out of college. I knew about the potential clients, the presentations, the contracts that closed and the ones that did not. He texted me often and kept me posted on just about everything.

But, here I am, 22 months since our beloved son’s passing to Heaven, and I’m left still wondering what was he thinking in his final days on earth? Was he devastated? Was he still hopeful? Did he ever resign to his soon departure? If he did, he never shared that with me. He chose not to talk about the end.

One thing I know is that through his entire 8-month battle with cancer, he never uttered one word of victimized complaint to me. I never heard him ask, “Why me?”

Not once.

Continue reading “There was Patience, There was Peace” →

His Power

by ianspirationblog, posted in God-moments, grief, Hope, IANspiration, loss of child, love, trust

I thought I knew you,  Lord,

close as could be.

Time spent together,

you held the key.

Promises made,

and promises kept.

Into the future,

walking, lockstep.

Then he was sick,

then he was gone.

Prayers unanswered,

no way to live on.

I  thought I knew you, God. 

ruined in the wake.

Disappointed, let down,

crushing heartbreak.

Continue reading “His Power” →

The Greatest Loss #Goodbye Alfie

by ianspirationblog, posted in Hope, loss of child, love

If anyone had told us that we could NOT take Ian out of the hospital to bring him home or take him for intensive naturopathic treatment…well, I just can’t even fathom what measures we would have taken to keep our “hope” alive. The doctors had given up on our 23-year-old son Ian just as they had given up on Alfie. But, are they God? Are they his parents, fiancé, brother, grandma, grandpa, aunty, uncle, cousin or best friend? Whether a hospital/doctor/government ends up being right or wrong, it doesn’t matter. It’s NOT their place to make that call…it’s just not.

We were blessed to have doctors that supported our decisions, even when they did not agree with some of them. They thought it was too risky to fly Ian to the Big Island for intensive naturopathic treatment and determined it would be fruitless. But, Ian’s mind was strong. He WANTED to go. He was not ready to give up. As his family, we would have moved mountains to give him every last fighting chance. What did we have to lose?

What did Alfie have to lose?

I will never see those two weeks spent on the Big Island giving Ian his “Hail Mary” as a waste of time. NEVER. In fact, given the circumstances, it was the best of times.

What was the alternative? Think about it.

We have lost so much.  But, Ian died with dignity…making choices as HE saw fit through the end of his life. This was OUR FAMILY.

No one had the right to tell us when to “give up”.

My heart is shattered for these parents.

#GoodbyeAlfie #PrayersForTheFamily

#GratefultobeAmerican

The Hedge

by ianspirationblog, posted in cancer, God-moments, grief, Hope, IANspiration, loss of child, love

I feared the hedge would die.

One day, in the middle of the chaos, I dared to dream that the hedge would make it.

I imagined how we would later tell the story of the dying hedge in our front yard as a metaphor of how you faced down your near-death experience with cancer, but you came back with vigor to live out the rest of your days with renewed focus and perspective.

We would explain how the dry branches appeared beyond resuscitation. It was that pesky, destructive white fly that snuck in under the radar and spread relentlessly beneath the abundant beautiful green leaves and orange hibiscus blossoms. Continue reading “The Hedge” →

#18 Months

by ianspirationblog, posted in cancer, God-moments, heaven, Hope, IANspiration, loss of child, love

Is it strange that I count the months you’ve been gone in the same way that parents count the months of an infant child’s life? Each month, as time slips by, I can’t believe we’ve made it this far without you here.

Yet, if the pattern holds true, I’ll stop counting the months soon. Just a few more months and we will likely start referencing your absence in years — should anyone ask how long it’s been.

No matter how or if I express the breadth of your absence on any given day, I always know exactly how long it’s been …

because losing a child is nothing like having a child.

To watch your child grow is the ultimate privilege. Fully in awe of the miracle, you instinctively know that he or she is a gift and you celebrate the milestones, month by month, and then year after year.

When there is life, this formula is sustainable. It propels you forward.

When there is death, this formula is difficult to sustain.

For 18 months, I have quite literally been walking with my head turned in the opposite direction … looking backwards.

If I continue this formula, I fear it will sink me.

So, where do I go from here?

Continue reading “#18 Months” →

Of Butterflies, Black Moths and Angels

by ianspirationblog, posted in God-moments, grief, heaven, Hope, IANspiration, loss of child, love

I sat with Joy on the back patio on a sunny afternoon in May 2017 as we talked endlessly about our sons. Her son, Kekoa, passed over to heaven in July, while our son Ian passed in October.

We had met each other only weeks prior at Griefshare, a grief support group we attended at a nearby church. Joy is a deeply spiritual woman with a solid footing in her faith. We grieved together with hope, knowing that our sons are now among the Lord’s saints in heaven.

Nonetheless … there were tears and pain.

When two butterflies suddenly started to dance on and around our hedges that afternoon, we chuckled about it. It was tempting to say these two dancing butterflies were our sons visiting us, but we knew better than that. Our children did not turn into butterflies, black moths or angels. They are still the magnificent souls they were here on earth but in a new and improved physical state in heaven.

Yet, as these two butterflies brought smiles to our faces long into the afternoon, Joy suddenly asked, “Do you see two butterflies hanging around like this very often?”

“Not really,” I replied.

We stared at those butterflies in silence for a bit of time, and then we laughed.

It felt good to laugh.

Something felt very special about those butterflies.

Continue reading “Of Butterflies, Black Moths and Angels” →